I strongly believe as parents we need to be talking to our kids about porn. I also believe as spouses we need to be having conversations about porn. I even think that friends should be talking about it. For too long porn has been a silent cancer in our society, devastating men, women, children and families. The best way to deal with it is to be able to acknowledge the harm it does. We have to move it from being totally ignored or being defended as just a harmless fantasy, and instead discuss the real life consequences of porn on the people it damages. (*If you think porn is no big deal, this post is not for you. I’d encourage you to read any of Gail Dines’s helpful work on this subject. This article is a good place to start.*)
But here’s the thing– not all conversations about porn are helpful. I often hear porn referenced or addressed in ways that end up making the issues involved worse instead of better. Just being comfortable talking about porn isn’t what’s helpful, it’s the desire to call it what it is and understand what it does. So here are some unhelpful ways we talk about porn:
We’re too casual. I watched back through reruns of “Friends” recently and was struck by how often porn was casually mentioned. Porn is not a punchline. It isn’t harmless. Those of us who are offended by porn are not prudes. How we feel about sex in our personal lives has NOTHING to do with how angry we feel about the marketing of sex, women and bodies that happens in our culture today. The frustration I feel about how porn hurts people means I am incapable of being casual about it, shrugging it off or just laughing about it. After working with the children of drug addicts, I’ve never been able to bring myself to say that something I like is “like crack” (because it’s so addictive) as a joke because I know the impact of actual cocaine. It’s just not funny anymore. This is exactly how I feel about porn. It’s not funny when you’ve seen the harm it causes.
We’re too shocked. There’s a way to be offended that is helpful and there’s a way that just shuts down any honest conversation. If we are offended because we are angry and informed, this is movement in the right direction. If we’re shocked and clutching our pearls and “how could they!” and we don’t want to discuss this because it offends our sensibilities, this is not helpful. It’s certainly not helpful to our kids who need to know they can come to us with their questions and concerns. Should they see porn (and they will), they need to know that we WANT to know about it, not that we’re too sensitive and delicate to be confronted with it. If all you tell your kids about porn is that that’s what serial killers and rapists like to do, you aren’t helping the situation. Be able to calmly have a conversation about porn without getting into hysterics or making generalizations about everybody who’s ever looked at porn or participated in it. Don’t put porn in some other category of “too horrifying for words” or those who depend on you to have these conversations with them won’t trust you when they need to have them.
We demonize the women involved. As much as porn can feel like “the other woman,” these women are not responsible for everyone else’s choices. Having invested a large chunk of my life in loving people from hard places with hard stories, I have known a stripper or two. And I knew them before they were strippers. Their stories are rough and demonizing them for choices they’ve made to try and survive isn’t helpful. Watching “Hot Girls Wanted” may be a necessary perspective adjustment if you want to see how young women end up in these situations and what their motivations are. The truth is, they need help and they need love. Making those women the problem isn’t productive. As we talk to our older kids about porn, it’s good to remind them WHY someone might get involved in porn. We need to humanize and personalize these people, not demonize them. Reminding ourselves and those around us that these are actual women– mothers, sisters, daughters– is an important part of pushing back against the commodification of women that porn does.
We denigrate the people trapped in addiction. Especially for those of us in Christian community, we can easily decide that people who watch porn are beyond help. They’re weak and worthless. They abuse women. They aren’t “man enough” to handle real women, so they default to porn. They’re unfaithful and they’re perverts. Except that if the statistics are true, “they” aren’t just a “they.” THEY ARE US. This problem is far more prevalent than we realize and we may not understand when we say those things about porn addicts, we likely have one in our midst. When we talk about people who have viewed porn (especially those who may be struggling with addiction) in those kinds of terms, we are shutting the door on their ability to be honest with us and seek out the help they need. Many times when you see a porn problem, you are actually seeing a PAIN problem– people have used porn (like a drug) to medicate the pain in their lives. If they’re going to get help, they need to know there are safe places to confess how helpless they feel. We need to be able to offer empathy and hope that there’s a way out and show them that we’ll love them through it. If you find yourself using really harsh language to talk about people who watch porn, just imagine how unsafe your kids will feel talking to you if they accidentally stumble across something. Set the stage for grace, compassion and forgiveness in the ways you speak about porn and addiction.
We don’t talk about it. And of course, the worst way to talk about porn is to not talk about it at all. Your silence speaks more than you may intend. To not address porn with your kids is to allow them to think you don’t know it exists. It denies them access to helpful information. It makes them go to their friends for advice on how to handle it and what’s acceptable. To not talk to your spouse about it means secrets can grow in the silence. To not talk to your friends about it means you are increasing the isolation they may feel as either an addict or a victim of an addict or just as a human living in this sex saturated culture. To at least bring up the topic, to speak honestly and compassionately about it, this may be the start of someone being able to talk about what has seemed unspeakable to them. When we refuse to acknowledge it in our churches, in our homes, in our friendships, we let society control the dialogue. And we all see where that has gotten us.
So have the conversations. Be talking about porn. And do it in a way that is educated, empathetic and communicates love for the people who may be trapped in its grip. This is how we pushback on a culture that says we don’t get a voice in the conversation.