In Praise of the Fun Parent

I’m a good mom. I don’t yell. I’m structured and the queen of routine. I enforce nap times and bedtimes. I make sure grapes are cut in half for little ones and meals always contain vegetables. I make chore charts. I am loving and nurturing and safe and familiar.

I am not the fun parent.

My kids need a fun parent. They need somebody who takes them for ice-cream after their dentist appointment. They need a parent that decides 10 p.m. is an acceptable time to start watching a Marvel movie. They need a parent who wants to take them swimming without getting overwhelmed at just thinking about all the towels and sunscreen and goggles and water bottles and snacks that need to be packed. They need a parent who doesn’t always say, “We have food at home.” when they look longingly out the car window towards the McDonald’s. They need my husband.

I remind them of this when they’re frustrated at the downsides that come with the fun parent. He is not the one you want to pick you up on time or get you somewhere on time. Being on time leaves no room for fun. He is not the one to go to when you’re crying. Crying is not compatible with fun. And you better believe he can get plenty serious when there’s work to be done in order to get back to the fun. Don’t mess around when it’s time to do the after-dinner chores or mow the lawn or put your laundry away. All of those things are standing in the way of popsicles or sprinklers or watching a movie WHILE in the hot tub. It’s a work hard, play hard life and we all just get to enjoy it.

I used to get annoyed at being married to the fun parent and not getting to be the fun parent. But I have come to realize that I don’t want to be the fun parent. I secretly enjoy getting to reap the benefits (like when they also bring an ice-cream home for ME after the dentist trip) and I like passing them off to Dad for fun so I can take a quiet minute and regroup.

My kids don’t need two of the same parent. That might make our home and marriage more peaceful, but it wouldn’t give them the experiences they need to become well-rounded adults. I remember when we had to get some Occupational Therapy for one of our kids and the therapist asked if we ever spun the child around and made sure he was turned upside so blood went to his head. Of course I didn’t do that. But my husband did. Turns out, that was exactly what he needed at that age and stage to help him develop appropriately.

I’ve thought about that a lot during different stages of parenting. It’s not always as simple as spinning them around and tossing them in the air. Now they need a parent who says “yes” to different kinds of risks– biking to the skatepark or swimming in the lake. In every season I can feel my own desire for routine and predictability in conflict with the high value my husband places on the new and the exciting.

My kids need both.

So I’m learning to not second-guess his parenting priorities (at least not all the time. . . and not in front of the kids). I’m working at embracing my own inner Fun Parent sometimes, making the surprise trip for smoothies or agreeing to a spontaneous sledding excursion in spite of my fears about how this will cut into my dinner prep time.

And I’m learning that somebody has to be the heavy. My kids need structure and the predictability I bring. They need vegetables and sleep schedules, even if they don’t want them.

So here’s to you, Fun Parents! Don’t stop finding the fun in the mundane and stepping WAY outside of the mundane to find even MORE fun. We need you. You keep marriage exciting and you’ll always be the hero of your kids’ best stories.