As parents we all have our pet peeves. There are behaviors in our kids or the kids around us that absolutely drive us nuts. I know some of you parents really hate it when a kid is a tattletale. I kind of love it. Here’s why:
They know the rules-– For a kid to be a good tattletale, they have to have a good grasp of the rules to know which ones other kids are breaking. I like it when kids know the rules.
They feel safe communicating with you-– They are coming to you with a problem. This is not an urge I want to squelch. I may tell them this is a problem they are capable of solving without my intervention, but I don’t want to discourage them from coming to me when they need help. I’m setting the groundwork for when the really big things happen and they are tempted not to talk to me about it. I want them to know I hear them.
They are asking for help-– Some kids really struggle to ask for help or accept it. They are the ones who sit in the room crying about the socks they can’t get on right, but not putting together that you would help them if they asked. The tattletale is learning to ask for help when they’re in over their head. You have to help them learn the appropriate time to get help and ways to ask without whining, but I’ve found it’s easier to teach them to deal with their own problems than to teach a child to ask for help who is resistant to it.
They give you more info than they intend to-– When your child is telling you what somebody else did wrong, they almost always end up inadvertently tattling on themselves. They aren’t creating problems and then hiding, they are creating problems, getting in over their head and then letting you know what went down. “My sister hit me!” “Why would she want to hit you?” “. . . ummmmmm. . . I took away her piggie and wiped my nose on it.” “Exactly.”
They don’t hide-– These are not the kids who get in a fight and then hide in the closet when you need to talk to them about it. It’s all out there- the good and the bad. I prefer to deal with the reality than try and chase down the truth.
They trust you— They are telling you because they believe you’ll hear them and deal justly. I love that. Maybe it’s just because I’ve dealt with kids who struggled to trust and struggled be open with their fears. That tattletale moment was one time when I knew they were putting their needs out in the open and I had a chance to prove them right for trusting me.
I know it can be frustrating to deal with a child who is continually coming to you with minor complaints. Not everything is worth tattling about, so how do you help your kids prioritize and learn to handle some things on their own? Here are the phrases that work best with my tattletales.
“How can I help you?”– Sometimes my tattletales want to complain, but they don’t actually want me to do anything. I try to help them rephrase things so they can identify what would be helpful for them. I don’t want to sweep in and fix things if what they really needed was just to vent or if they’re capable of finding a solution on their own. Asking them what they specifically need from me can help me understand where they’re coming from.
“Did you talk to them before you came to me?”– I want to be sure they’ve tried working it out first. If they haven’t (and this isn’t a major emergency), I may send them to go have that conversation before I intervene. Often this is enough to fix it because both kids are aware the stakes are higher once Mom gets involved.
“Let’s be sure we’re calm before we talk about this.”– I’m not going to be screamed at by two kids in conflict. I have sat on the floor with a child on either side of me for a full ten minutes before we were all in a good emotional place to handle what had happened. The next step is going to be letting one child tell me what happened without interruptions, then giving that same chance to the other child. Sometimes that’s all it takes for them to hear each other’s perspective and be ready to apologize for their part.
“What do you need to apologize for?”– My tattletales have a much easier time identifying other people’s contribution to the conflict than their own. They learn a lot when instead of me telling them what they did wrong, they have to think about it for themselves. This act alone may help solve the conflict once they see both sides of the issue.
“Mom is working on ignoring that behavior. Can you be part of my helper team about that?”– Sometimes my tattletales want to let me know about minor infractions that just aren’t a major issue. If I can recruit their help in ignoring these little problems, they can understand that. If they know I’m intentionally ignoring rather than just not seeing, it helps their conscience. I love that they seek justice and I don’t want them to feel robbed of that, but they need to understand some things can best be handled by not giving that behavior attention.
“You can let me be the mom.”– If a child likes to tell me about behavior that happened while I was standing right there and observing, I may just remind them that I’ve got this. They can relax. Their job is to play and my job is to be the parent. We might talk about solutions if they are bothered by the behavior that I’m allowing (“The baby keeps spitting!” “Then you’re welcome to play in the other room if that bothers you.”), but I want to relieve them of the need to feel like the parenting responsibility is falling on them.
Tattletale kids are some of my favorites. I love their hearts for justice and rule following. Value your little tattletale. They’ve got some good skills that just need refining.
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