I am not an athlete. Not by a long shot. In fact, I probably couldn’t make “a long shot” in whatever sport might require one. If I try to run I start to panic because my body knows I’d only be running if I was being chased and my life was in danger. So watching The Olympics is always fun for me because I absolutely can’t fathom how anybody can do what these people can do.
This year I was especially fascinated by the track and field events because our five-year-old is pretty sure he’s a track star in the making. If the long jump should at some point involve a pit of couch pillows at the end of it, I’m going to agree that he’s off to a good start. As I watched with new eyes this year thinking about what it involves to be the parent of an Olympian I became fascinated with the role of the coach in a runner’s success. A coach? What is there to coach? You just run fast until you hit the finish line, right? This does not seem complicated. But then I heard all the commentators discussing how somebody didn’t pace themselves right- too fast at the beginning or waiting too long to put on the extra burst of speed at the end. Oh. . . right. . . pacing. Pacing is something somebody has to teach you. Has to coach you. Helps you learn to internalize.
Pacing has quite a role in parenting, too. I’ve been thinking about this as Josh prepares to start Kindergarten in two days. On Saturday morning I was feeding our seven-month-old and when I got up to make breakfast I found that the job was already done. Yep. Josh did that. All without prompting, making a mess or breaking anything. Sometimes I’m kind of astounded at what that child can do. Like a couple months ago when the dryer buzzer went off and he just got the laundry out and brought it to me to fold. Or when he decided to make sandwiches for his brother and sister because I was unloading the groceries. Whose child is this?
So I’m thinking about this son of mine and the responsibilities he takes upon himself. I know a lot of it is being a first-born in a family of young kids. I also think there’s a bit of an orphanage mentality he carries where he wants to be self-sufficient. But I know some of it is my coaching, my pacing of his life. We didn’t give him many freedoms when he was a toddler. His life was structured and it made things simpler. You might think I’m joking, but we literally ate just about the same things for breakfast (oatmeal) and lunch (peanut butter and jelly, grapes, carrots) most days of the week for a couple years. I don’t think ANYBODY needs to go to that extreme, but when you’re dealing with kids who crave structure and need to know they are safe and provided for, it helps when they know what to expect. I was not standing in front of the fridge each day opening up endless options for him to pick through. Outfits? Mom picked that. Activities? Mom decided. Church attendance? That’s what our family does.
Over the years I’ve found myself removing some of those familiar supports and allowing Josh to do and learn for himself. I see it as his “pacing” towards the finish line of adulthood. Too much freedom too early can make for a spoiled and arrogant child. Holding on to control past its time and you may end up with somebody who obeys based on fear and is primed for a rebellion. So it’s the small things we choose to let go of first and let our kids spread their wings.
It was a joy and a curse to allow Josh to pick his own clothes. His taste tends towards the neon, the character driven, and the sweatpants. Oh, the sweatpants. Left on his own he often looks like your standard elementary school PE teacher. Is that a character issue? Nope. But there are times where I intervene. School pictures, family gatherings, church- all those things may require Mom’s final approval. But I am increasingly less involved as he figures those things out for himself.
I feel like that Olympic coach standing on the sidelines. We’ve drilled, we’ve practiced, we’ve worked to inspire and now we watch and wait as this little man heads off for his first day in the wide world outside of our home. We’re prepared that there will be stumbles and false-starts in this striving for independence, but we know we’ll be there to dust him off and send him back out. Go for the gold, Josh! We’re cheering for you.
I’d love your input- what freedoms have you been able to give your preschoolers? What responsibilities have you learned they can handle?
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