Okay, so “crack baby” is a ridiculous term, but it gets the point across. Kids who have been exposed to drugs or alcohol prenatally may be indistinguishable from your average non exposed child and you may not even know if a friend’s foster or adopted child has those issues. But some kids really struggle and if a friend chooses to let you know the root of this struggle is prenatal drug and alcohol exposure, how do you handle it? For every family that chooses to take on this parenting challenge there is a support network of friends and family that child is welcomed (or at least we hope they’re welcomed) into. It can be tricky to figure out how to be a helpful friend in this situation, especially since many of us have had no exposure to other kids or adults who were similarly exposed. I’ve been blessed to have a really wonderful group of friends, family members, and (during our group home days) coworkers who have handled this well, so I wanted to tell you what I’ve learned from them.
Be discreet: If a friend confides in you that her child was exposed to drugs or alcohol, take it as a sign of her trust in you. Honor that. This isn’t your information to now tell your friends or even your kids. Especially your kids. This is a very private detail about this child’s history that has implications about their birth family. You can only imagine the kind of teasing or humiliation that could happen if this information became public.
Photo by Rebecca Tredway Photography
Let her vent, but don’t join her: We can be pretty angry at the birth parents who caused damage to a child we love. We may need to express that frustration. But just like with your own family members, you can say what you want to about them, but nobody else better say a word. We can feel simultaneously frustrated at them and defensive of them. They gave us a great gift in allowing us to raise their child, so having you make negative statements about them may get our hackles up. I recommend saying, “I can see why you’d be upset about that.” if your friend is expressing frustrations instead of saying, “Yeah, those people are idiots.” And if you thought people didn’t say that to us about our children’s families, you’d be wrong. We can also have moments of anger and frustration at our children and in those moments we desperately need the encouragement and support of our friends. Validate that this is hard. Remind us of why it’s worth it.
Challenge your assumptions: A lot of our societal ideas about children with prenatal exposure are based on the hysteria around “crack babies” from past decades. The reality of what our kids struggle with may be much less obvious and much more nuanced. You may have to let go of some preconceived ideas about what these kids are like AND what their birth families may be like. Drug and alcohol addiction can occur in someone from any race or any socioeconomic group. Please don’t assume that the parents of this child don’t love him or didn’t want to parent her. Addiction is powerful and controlling and in spite of what they wanted or how much love they had, they may not have been able to fight their demons enough to be able to parent. Honor the birthparent who selflessly made an adoption plan even if they are still enslaved to their addiction or the parent who is working through a demanding rehab program while their child is in foster care.
Don’t assume what worked for your child will work for this child: Prenatal exposure messes with the brain. These kids may have more behavioral challenges or academic challenges than your average child and the ways to help them cope are going to be different than what worked for your kids. Give some grace to the parent handling tantrums or fighting through homework issues or dealing with a child who gets overwhelmed easily. You may have dealt with something similar, but the root of it was probably quite different even if the behavior looks the same. Be a listener and a learner.
Have compassion, but not pity: This is a fine line to walk. These kids need to be treated like their peers and not coddled or pitied. There needs to be a level of understanding that they may be working twice as hard as their peers to achieve the same results. Be proud of them. Encourage them. Don’t talk down to them or assume they aren’t capable.
Teach your kids, but don’t prejudice them: Talk to your kids about drugs. Talk to them in age appropriate ways. When they are capable of understanding, talk to them about how what a pregnant woman puts into her body can either help or harm the child she is growing. Talk about how drug use could lead a woman to be unable to safely parent even if she loved her child very much. Help your kids come to have compassion for others with any kind of disability or challenge, even the kinds that don’t have obvious physical symptoms. But please, don’t share the private information of other children with your child. Talk to your friend about how your kids can best interact and what she’d want your child to know.
Give her some parenting space: Parenting a child with prenatal drug or alcohol exposure can make you feel a bit like a mad scientist. You are always searching for the perfect formula to help that child. Is it this new therapy or a diet change or a tutoring program and on and on and on. We don’t have it all figured out and even if we did, our kids keep changing and so do their challenges. Give your friend your support as she learns her child and becomes fluent in a new language of attachment issues or sensory processing issues or medications or behavioral modification techniques. She will need some space to try new things and pick up the pieces if those solutions don’t work.
It is such a blessing to have a community around you that loves and accepts your child. If you can be a support to your friend as she tries her best to help a child she loves, you will earn her love and gratitude. Thank you. Thank you for investing in your friend and through that investment, being part of the stability and nurturing environment for a child.
One Comment
Leave a reply →