Maybe it’s time to have more kids

If you think you’ve got this parenting thing figured out, you probably don’t have enough kids yet.

There were some things I did really well when I just had one kid.  Bedtime was this idyllic moment of stories and sippy cups and rocking.  During meals my husband and I talked about our day, stopping only to coo at the adorable baby who was learning to feed himself quartered grapes.  Bath time was bubbles and a rubber duck and my full attention on my Little Splasher.  I wasn’t a perfect parent, but I was pretty close.  It was easy to be consistent with rewards and consequences when there was just one child to pay attention to.  Of course I had moments of frustration and a lot of moments where I didn’t know if I was doing things right.  Seriously, I had no idea what I was doing, but I was blessed with a surprisingly easy baby (surprising because he spent the previous ten months in an orphanage).  And I was kind of a judgmental jerk.

We once went over to a friend’s house who had three young kids in close succession and we had a great time.  We were also totally shocked.  We were so uptight about how our one child behaved, we couldn’t figure out why these people didn’t care about how their three were running around like banshees.  We left saying, “We will never be like that.”  And four years later we looked at each other and said, “We are just like that.”

It wasn’t like we had no experience with lots of kids.  We’d had lots of TEENS.  Kind of a different experience than living in a house where the diapered outnumber the potty-trained.  So I had moments of judgement about those families that seemed to be in chaos and was sure someday my crew of toddlers would all be as equally well-trained as my first child.  My theories of parenting had all been tested and I figured out exactly what worked.  You had a problem, I had an answer.  I had this parenting thing all figured out.

And then we got Danny.

Our second child came to us straight from the hospital via the foster care system and after 17 months as his “temporary” family we were able to adopt him.  And he has greatly humbled me.  Apparently he had already read the same parenting books I read and decided they weren’t for him.  He heard me brag about the unquestioning obedience of my first-born and decided my life needed more questions.  After my attempt at “sleep training” him, he figured I needed some sleep training myself.  Bedtime was a battle, meals were stressful and bath time was. . . wet.  Very very wet.  I finally realized all of my well cultivated parenting theories were perfectly suited to one child, but were not universal.

Adding two more children to the mix has further refined my philosophy of childrearing.  There are times I have felt guilty that my current babies are not growing up in a more peaceful, structured house the way my first baby did.  My time is much more divided than it once was and it is almost never quiet around here (at this very moment the baby is fast asleep while the plumber is sawing through a pipe in the room right next to him, so getting used to lots of noise does have an upside).  I have to remind myself not to feel guilty about how our home has changed, but to realize giving my kids a sibling has given them a greater gift than the money we would have saved by now if we wouldn’t have had to pay for four kids in diapers.  Along with all the life lessons they learn by growing up with a playmate, I am especially happy they will have each other to process with as adults.  I know they will have feelings about how they were raised so I’m glad someone will be able to commiserate and normalize with them.

Having four very unique kids has helped me learn that parenting is much more complex than I first thought.  But also MUCH more simple.  Kids need to eat, they need to sleep, they need to know they’re loved, they need to know the rules.  The rest is just what works for your family and for each individual child.  This makes it a lot easier for me to turn-off my uptight switch when dealing with other families and save my advice for when somebody asks.  And when they ask I might actually have an answer, but I know the only time a mom is listening is when she’s desperate enough to ask for help.  Which is why you’ll often find me asking for help.  Because I’ve been around enough to know, I have yet to get this parenting thing all figured out.