Okay, here’s Part 2 of our adoption stories from Nick and Tara. To read part one, head on over here: www.amusingmaralee.com/2012/11/two-adoptee-voices-part-1/ Today’s post will be slightly different in style from yesterday’s. Because Nick is a Rockstar he totally threw out the last half of my questions (with my total blessing) and just shared some honest, deep stuff with me that he’s processed about his adoption and adoption in general. He says he would have finished the original questions, but there was an incident involving a lady with a hatchet at the CVS across from his work that I won’t even try to go into. Suffice to say- Lincoln can be an interesting town at 3 a.m. and Rockstars don’t like to finish what you’ve asked them to do until the last minute when hatchet-weilding crazies are likely to interfere 🙂 So enjoy his thoughts on two interesting topics- adoptees and substance abuse, and Nick’s take on nature vs. nurture. They’ve given me a lot to think about as far as what an adoptive parent’s role can be in each of these issues.
After that you’ll find Tara’s answers to the rest of my questions. Such beautiful stuff, especially for those of us raising daughters and wondering how they will continue to process their adoptions as they marry and become mothers themselves.
I hope this is as helpful for you as it has been for me! A big thanks to Tara and Nick for their honesty here.
Nick’s final thoughts on adoption- the good and the bad.
The Bad
I will tell you this one last thing- I worry about the rates of alcohol and drug abuse among adopted kids. It’s not something you want to hear, which is why I have to say it. A lot of us are perfectly happy people with our friends and families and loved ones. We genuinely love our family and friends, but I think there is something missing with some people. It’s something they can’t ever get out of their heads, and when they get drunk and talk about it, it all spills out on the floor and it becomes hours of pent up talking. I know a lot more drunks than most people do. I run a bar. I’ve played in rock bands for years. But a good percentage of people I know who were adopted drink a lot or do drugs regularly. Not necessarily because they are adopted or anything- I wouldn’t nearly drag it that far, but I’ve noticed that when these friends of mine are drinking and around me they have to have that “adoption” talk. They need to spill their guts with someone else who is adopted because they have pent up issues- they still think about it all the time when they are adults. I’ve had this one girl tell me the same story, wasted about a dozen times. She finally found her birth mom. I feel like I’ve got my demons out, but I thought about it for years, wrote one good song about it and then sang that song on tour for another 6 years. If anyone got it out of his guts its me. 🙂
The Good
I have no doubt that my maliable brain could have been warped into that of a thug, pimp or prostitute when I was young. That isn’t me speaking ill of myself, that’s just true. I had good folks who were strict. I don’t know where I came from. I don’t know my mother or my father. I was told my mother’s name once and I remembered it to this day- that’s as close as I’ll ever be to knowing my blood family.
My parents were teachers and my mother stayed home and raised me for the first few years of my life. She read to me and talked to me and I began to learn things at a very young age. I could read when I entered kindergarten. My teacher was shocked. I remember being taken out into the coat room to show the other teachers that I could read grade levels above my 5/6 year old age. When I was in second grade the “differentiated learning program” was just getting started at our school. I was the highest testing child at my school and they pulled me out of class. I remember I was the first to start meeting with our diff teacher. She was the one who started teaching us very basic computer programming, how to play bridge, how to read and respond critically. This was second grade. I stayed in that diff program until high school when it became the “advanced placement” program, loosely known as college prep. I kept testing high in standardized testing, but I had found a group of friends who were fun and smart (way more naturally gifted than me.) and we got along great. Jarod is a lawyer in Washington DC. He nearly aced the ACT. Evan is a top dog meteorologist at the Air Force Weather Agency. Simon runs a computer program at Oklahoma State. His wife is a doctor of Political Science. Ben runs a computer software company. And most of my fringe friends are ridiculously successful as well. I, being the artistic risktaker that I am, run a bar. 🙂 Most of my friends are smart in ways I am not- the ways that make you very rich over time. The mathematicians and engineers kinds of smart. I am a people person with an ear for music and a brain for writing. Stick any of my friends in a job where they are constantly in contact with customers and food and drinks and dirty work, and they would struggle, for at least a little while.
Most of my friends are smart in ways I am not- the ways that make you very rich over time. The mathematicians and engineers kinds of smart. I am a people person with an ear for music and a brain for writing. Stick any of my friends in a job where they are constantly in contact with customers and food and drinks and dirty work, and they would struggle, for at least a little while.Now the point to this story is not to brag about my brilliant friends who have become very wealthy and successful. It’s to show you that whether I am of average intelligence, gifted, or below average, I got my start from my MOM. She read to me and got me prepared, so that when I bumbled into school the first day, my teachers freaked.
Tara’s thoughts
How did your parents help you feel peace about your adoption and affirm their love for you?
This is something they did so right. They would say they didn’t know any other way to do it than how they did it, that for them they knew no difference between having a biological child and having me. But I have heard enough stories to believe there are perhaps better ways than others to affirm and create peace. My parents would tell me over and over how much they wanted me. They spoke only with kindness about my birth mom and family, and shared other happy adoption stories. They didn’t make me being adopted a “thing”, but instead spoke about it in ways that would communicate the story of how I became theirs. And how “theirs” was what was always meant to be. They were always accepting of my questions, and never made the adoption conversation seem taboo. They shared what they knew about my birth family situation in a way that helped me believe I was given a gift, and not just given away. There was never a doubt that it should have been any other way, and it is to their credit that they so beautifully communicated that to me.
How do you feel when you hear about adoptees who have negative feelings about adoption?
I am grieved. I know not all stories of adoption are happy or easy stories, and there are a number of circumstances that can make for difficult and heartbreaking experiences. I am also moved into deep gratitude, as I see how my own story is all mercy and grace.
How has being a parent changed how you feel or feel about your birth parents?
Hugely. When we had our first baby, a girl, I began to understand better the gravity of adoption through the perspective of the birth parents. The sacrifice, the connection that was broken between mama and baby, and the knowledge that she must think of me. I don’t know why that part of it sunk in so late, but to carry a baby for months, to labor and deliver, to hold and then hand over…it is hard for me to fully understand the heartache, even with the knowledge that she knew it was the right thing to do. They somehow became closer to me when I became a parent, because I had experienced something that she had, and I could see a little better from her side. I could now understand the lifelong impact having a baby makes, whether they remain in your arms or not. I often am reminded of her when I see a young girl, and I think of how very young she was when she had me. There have been gifts and moments all along my way that have given me deeper love and appreciation for my birth parents, for their role in my life is no small thing. I wish I could say thank you, reaffirm the choice they made. Acknowledge the sacrifice, and somehow make good on the gift they gave to me in placing me for adoption
How did your spouse respond to finding out you were adopted?
When Austin and I met, adoption was a fairly foreign idea to him, and something he was unemotionally tied to. He would say that his first reaction to knowing this about me was to think it special, that it made me different in some good way. When I asked him his thoughts about this question, he responded with saying how it feels like it is this very obvious mark of intentionality over my life. That because my parents and my life didn’t come about in the conventional way, but involved a bit more “arranging”, that he sees me and my life through a lens of purpose and deeper appreciation. It has allowed him to understand more richly his own sonship through the gospel, and to see a picture of God’s love he might not have known otherwise.
What can adoptive parents do to help their kids be confident and proud of their adoptions?
It was so fun as a child to share that I was adopted, and I was truly and confidently proud to be so. It was this special thing that set me apart, made others pause to hear more about, and I wore it like some kind of badge of honor. I was, and still am, so very comfortable in the skin of being adopted. My parents, and many adoptive families, spend much time patiently waiting to see how their child will process the knowledge of their adoption. There is discernment in knowing the right time to share the pieces of the story that will open the door to more questions. My parents were always willing to have a conversation, but they also let me lead somewhat in the timing and content of them. Waiting until I had the questions to ask, and not jumping into places I hadn’t yet made it to. Knowing for as long as I can remember, and being told in such a way that I always believed I was delighted in, helped me to form a healthy perspective on adoption early on. We knew very little about my birth parents’ story, but from what was known, there was license to assume the worst or the best. Speaking positively and with admiration, even when the entire truth was unknown, was how my parents chose to regard my birth mom, and how they taught me about her directly helped to mold how I saw myself. From my parents guiding, and then later as faith became real and personal, I understood my life and my path was more than accidental. The language spoken in our home didn’t deny or diminish where I came from, but it centered upon the truth that I landed exactly where I was supposed to be. This truth, and how it was a theme in our conversations about adoption (even before I understood how specific God is), gave me reason to feel peace, and even excitement, about every part of my story. My adoption being a large piece of that story.
How do you feel about open adoptions? What are some pros and cons from your perspective?
I have seen, and strongly believe, that both open and closed adoptions are successful and necessary. From my perspective, it is hard to imagine how different my own story and life could be, had my adoption been open. Because I have had such a sweet experience and journey, I feel thankful that mine was the way that it was. However, certain circumstances and desires of birth parents often result in open adoption, and there is something so appealing and beautiful in an adoption situation where the biological family and the adoptive family are both present to love the child, and the child to know them in return. It does seem, from my outside perspective, that there would be an increased need for deeper processing and for more weighty conversations in open adoption as an adoptee matures. My parents were able to rather simply explain my adoption and story to me, but when more details and emotions and hearts are involved, the greater chance there will be more to figure out and work through. But there is grace in it all, and these smaller stories are only part of the larger one. I think both options have pros and cons, and it must be decided by the families involved what is going to be best and necessary.
Have you ever considered adopting a child?
Oh yes. Much like how I can’t remember not knowing I was adopted, I can’t remember ever not wanting to adopt myself one day. It felt familiar to me, even when I was really quite young. It seemed somehow appropriate that someone who was adopted would then, in turn, adopt. My reasons for desiring to do so have since changed and deepened, and my husband and I continue to pray over it. I would love for it to be a part of our family’s story, but also can see how God might just have us supporting others who adopt. It is a part of our life not yet determined 🙂
If you could say one thing to your birth parents, what would it be?
You made the right decision, and I have loved you always.
What are you most curious about your birth family?
I feel most curious about regular things. Like, would I recognize her if I saw her? Do we look alike? Do I have any half brothers or sisters, and what would it be like to know them? How has my birth mom dealt with placing me for adoption, and what has she wondered about me? Where are they now, are they doing well, are they happy?
How do you think being adopted has contributed to your character or views?
This is a question I bet I could think on for a week. There is much about me that I am certain has been shaped by adoption, things I realize and things I may not even attribute to it, but my heart was forever changed by it and God has used it so sweetly in my life.
I am thankful. When there is something like this that shows up as an obvious turn of events, something that alters and shapes the rest of your life for good, a decision made that could have turned out so differently, then gratitude just wells up. It has somehow encouraged my confidence in knowing the details of my life are cared for, evidence that our life is a testimony to the grace of God. I feel like I want to live and use my life well, knowing that it was one born from sacrifice and love, and this in more ways than one. Somewhere along the way, it seems that adoption got a reputation for being second best. However, in my story, my parents kinda made me feel like I was even better because of it (and I totally know I am not all that cooler, but I kinda like it that they think so 🙂 ). There has been richer thankfulness, extra celebration, and a legacy of taking notice. Taking notice that we don’t live in a world of coincidence, and that God can do good good good things, from what begins as a seeming misfortunate thing. I realize life could have looked much different for me, and I am humbled with appreciation for the way my story is being told.
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