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My kids are watching “Reading Rainbow.”
#fullcircle
Josh (8): Oh, I’ve watched “Reading Rainbow” before! At school! It’s that show with the black guy who has all the stories.
#nailedit #LeVarfanclub
I want the kids’ first day of school outfits to (figuratively) say, “I have parents that love me, I am well behaved and ready to learn.” My children want them to say, “EVERYBODY! OVER HERE! THE CLASS CLOWN HAS ARRIVED!”
#shoppingwithkids
Scold a child for trying to bother you while you’re in the bathroom. Come out of the bathroom to find a pile of wildflowers he picked for you on the floor.
#momguilt
My kids think corndogs are called Slushiedogs.
#PhineasAndFerb
(came around the corner and saw three kids sitting in a circle)
Josh (8):. . . He was an adult, but he had REALLY SMALL FEET.
Me: What are you guys doing?
Josh: Just telling scary stories.
#whydoIask
Let’s do this. #awkwardquestiontime
There are cupcakes in the oven. The 21 month-old is sitting in front of it crying, “Me! Cuh-cake! Want SOME!” I may not have birthed her, but she is definitely my daughter.
I just bought myself 30 seconds of silence by pouring half a box of Trix directly onto the back deck.
#protip
Just found out the names of the teachers my kids have for next year. Let the Facebook stalking begin!
#sorrynotsorry
Sometimes when you’re feeling all sentimental about how fast your baby is growing up because now he can crawl all around you, he spits-up directly on your toes.
#motherhoodisgross
“I do not talk to people while they are on the toilet.”
#thingsIneverthoughtIdsay
Just intercepted the kids before they sent their toddler sister down the stairs in a laundry basket. So in case you were wondering- no, I have not yet reached the point in parenting where I can sit on the couch and eat bonbons.
Can we talk about something important? I don’t understand the whole debate about which way toilet paper should unroll. It requires actually looking at the roll and figuring out how it’s going to unroll before you put it in the holder? Who has time for that? And mostly I’m just thankful if I don’t find it unrolled in a pile on the bathroom floor or an entire roll somebody attempted to flush down the toilet.
Danny (6): Mom, why are Grandma and Grandpa old?
Me: They’ve just been alive for a long time.
Danny: I wish I was borned when they were kids.
I sent my kids off to school this morning with sage advice like, “Don’t let anybody see or touch your private parts.” and “It’s not polite to tell your brother’s friends that he pooped his pants one time because he also has lots of embarrassing things he could say about you.” and “Mommy doesn’t actually care about your grades. Just do your best and don’t stress out and be respectful and kind.” and “If you forget your library book at home, don’t bother calling me. That’s your job to remember, not my job to bring it to you.” Anybody else have words of wisdom to add to the list?
I’m just now remembering that great idea I had about putting a sweet note in their lunch boxes for the first day of school. . . maybe next year.
“Mom, will you send my teacher an email? I’m going to wear my dinosaur shirt that says ‘I bite’ but I don’t bite. Will you tell her that?”
-Danny, age 6
#dinoenthusiastproblems
Just got a note from my Kindergartener’s teacher letting me know that she raised her hand in class today to ask when would be a good time for her to tell everyone about Jesus. They decided lunch and recess would be a great time. So if anybody is worried that God has been removed from the public school system, you can relax. Bethany has this covered.
Sometimes nobody knows my struggles quite like Moses.
“Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.” (Exodus 11:12-14. . . and also, I am joking. I adore these kids I didn’t conceive and their meat loving ways, but sometimes it is nice to have a meltdown of Biblical proportions over the responsibility of it all.)
“I do not talk to people while they have their hands in their pants.”
#thingsmomssay