As transracial adoption becomes more and more common, you may be wondering if it would be a good fit for your family. Here are some practical questions I’d encourage you to ask yourself before deciding to take the next step:
How does your family feel about it?
You will find a lot of people that tell you it doesn’t matter how anybody feels about your adoption. I am not one of those people. It’s not because I think you should be bullied into avoiding a certain kind of adoption, it’s because I want you to consider what the experience will be like for your child. The experience of being adopted into an extended family that doesn’t approve of you or your addition of the family. Is that fair to this child? Is that a family you’d like to be added to? While the initial reactions of surprise and negativity don’t mean you shouldn’t pursue what you feel God is asking you to do, I do think it’s important to consider what it will mean long-term to your child if those initial reactions don’t change. Are you willing to cut ties with unsupportive family members? You may need to consider that reality before pursuing further if you are running into resistance.
Are you ready to become a student of your child’s culture?
If you’re going to communicate a love and respect for your child’s culture, you’re going to need to know a little something about it. I’m on twitter and follow a number of organizations that deal with Liberian issues and Native American issues so I can be up-to-date on what’s going on. We have lots of books both directed at a child’s understanding level and books we’ve enjoyed reading for our own education. We watch documentaries about our the cultures our kids came from and do our best to keep communication with their birthfamily so we can know more specifically how they embrace their culture.
Are you ready to be the center of attention?
There is a mystery for me out there. Sometimes I hear white mamas talking about how frustrated/angry/uncomfortable they are with people looking at their multiracial family. Really? Did you not know this was going to happen? Our eyes are just drawn to those things that are different or that we don’t immediately understand. Of course there are times when I don’t love this (especially if my kids are acting up while we’re out in public) and times when I used to be much more self-conscious (I felt SO awkward our first Halloween where I felt like explaining at every house that we were this child’s parents), but I always knew this would happen. If you don’t want that level of attention when you’re out and about, you’re probably better off in a color-coordinated family.
Can you connect your child to people who look like him?
There are some strong feelings out there about this. Some people feel like you shouldn’t transracially adopt if you don’t have a community to connect them to. I think it’s obviously ideal if that community does exist for you, but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker if it doesn’t. We have been blessed to have a close family friend and someone I hugely respect who is African American available to give me council and invest in our son. We have been able to keep two of our children directly in contact with biological family members that can answer questions we may never be able to answer. But we don’t live in a very diverse area. Let’s be real- we live in Nebraska- there aren’t very many diverse areas here. And even if we had a large African American population, they likely wouldn’t be Liberian. We could have a large Native American population, but what if it wasn’t Sioux? At some point we have to realize that as much as we try, we may not be able to connect them to their community. That is a genuine loss for that child, but is it a loss that’s so great that they shouldn’t have permanency with a loving family who can’t meet that need? I don’t think so. So consider what your resources are and how you can make the best use of them.
Are you willing to consider adopting more than one?
I may be unusual in this, but I think it’s good for all adoptive families (transracial or not) who have biological kids to consider adopting more than one child. If you are transracially adopting I think it’s even more important. If you have siblings, think of those important conversations you’ve had where you’ve been able to normalize what happened in your childhood. I think it would be nice for my kids to each have a sibling of their same race, but I’m happy they at least have siblings who will know what it means to grow up being a different race from their parents. If there are things that were weird or that we did wrong, I want them to have a trusted brother or sister to talk about that with.
Can you connect your child with an adoption community?
I think there is an important reality to accept: I can live in a diverse area, give my kids siblings with the same racial background, give them books/music/art/food/toys that reflect their heritage, and do all I can to make their life look like what it would have been if they had been raised in their birth culture. I can do all of those things and my child will still be a black (or Mexican or Native American or Chinese or Korean) child raised in a white family. And they may feel like their outside doesn’t match how they feel on the inside. This makes me sad for my kids, but it’s a reality I can’t change with all my good intentions. I think one of the biggest gifts I can give my kids is a connection to other kids with a similar experience. There may be frustrations or fears they never feel safe sharing with me, but could talk about with another kid who had a similar life experience. I’m so thankful my kids have siblings who are adopted, cousins who are adopted, friends who are adopted, and adult adoptees in their lives. They are going to need all those resources to help them put their life issues in perspective.
I’m not saying there are right or wrong answers to these questions. I’m sure not saying I’ve got it all figured out. It could very well be that my adult children are someday writing blog articles about how I did it all wrong. But I do think these are all issues worth considering before taking that leap into becoming a multiracial family.
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