So I read something the other day that bothered me. It bothered me a lot. This woman was describing how tough infertility was and how people kept telling her she could “just adopt” and she was offended by that. She didn’t want to adopt because she wanted to have kids that were HERS and nobody else’s. She wanted kids that wouldn’t reject her or trade her in some day for their REAL parents.
People, we have got some work to do in understanding how parenthood works.
Yes, adoption makes people uncomfortable because you didn’t make this kid and theoretically the child could reject you in favor of their biological parents someday. You know who else could reject you? YOUR OWN BIOLOGICAL KIDS. Shocking, I know. Adopted kids ARE curious about their biological families and may have relationships with them in ways that remind their adoptive parents that we are not the only adults that matter in their lives, BUT THIS CAN BE A GOOD THING. It is a reflection of the reality that is true for all children and families– that kids get to choose who they love. Families that aren’t formed by adoption may try to ignore that reality, but it is no less true for them. Adoptive families just have to make peace with it a little sooner in the parenting process.
Parents, you did not birth tiny Love Robots who must adore you and never reject you and want only you. That is not how this works. And seriously, if you bring a child into the world because you want to own them and not risk them loving someone else, there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to inject some unhealthiness into your relationship with that child. Just because you created life in your body, you are not somehow magically promised that your child will like you regardless of what you do in your relationship with them. Relationships are built and created, not just genetically determined.
None of us “own” our children as much as we like to think we do. We are not promised good health or long lives or trouble-free teen years with any of our kids– adopted or biological. These kids ultimately belong to God and we’re given them for a season of indeterminate length. When we go to extreme lengths to create life because we want something we can own we are misunderstanding how parenthood works. We are not in control of these children. We can’t make them love us or make them be just like us or make them never disappoint us. They are their own separate beings and we can either support that or we can be frustrated by that. They were created with a purpose by a God who loves them and that purpose isn’t something we can determine for them or one that will always line up with our hopes and dreams.
Adoptive parenting has its quirks. Open adoption relationships can be tough. Kids can struggle with feelings of rejection and abandonment. Adoption is always born of loss and can be a trauma in and of itself for the child involved. Adoption is not an easy fix for infertility. It is a giant life change that requires a lot of sensitivity and education in order to be done well. Adoption is NOT for everyone, but it can be a beautiful force for good in the right situation.
I would never try to convince someone to adopt who isn’t ready to be an adoptive parent. That would be a disaster. And I’m not saying it’s wrong to want to experience pregnancy and childbirth. That is a magical (and terrifying) experience that feels like a rite of passage into womanhood and I won’t downplay how important it is to many of us. I just want to explain that if you feel like you don’t want to adopt because you aren’t sure that child would be fully YOURS, you are wildly missing the point of parenting. No child is fully yours no matter where she came from. Adoptive parents just get the heads-up about that a little earlier.
Maybe one day my kids will decide they want nothing to do with me and want to only be in relationship with their birth families. I will be heartbroken. But that won’t necessarily mean I failed. If I loved them well, if I nurtured them and gave them structure and met their needs, then I did the right thing. The end result isn’t up to me or under my control. I can only do my best and pray and love them even if they decide they don’t want to love me anymore. This is also EXACTLY what I do for my biological kids who may also choose to reject me someday.
I remember when we first considered adoption, someone told me one of those dreaded Adoption Horror Stories they personally knew about. There was a child who had been adopted internationally at an older age and never bonded with his adoptive family. He made really sad life choices and ended up in jail. I remember really thinking through that story– what if that happened to us? I felt a strong sense of peace that just because a child rejects you doesn’t mean they didn’t deserve a family or that you did the wrong thing to offer them one. We are only responsible for our part in the story and our kids have their own role to play. I was going to choose to love even if that love was never returned. My goal wasn’t to own someone, but to sacrifice for them.
If you’re willing to take the risk of rejection because you want to love someone, then adoption may be for you. If you aren’t willing to love in the face of possible rejection, then maybe parenting at all isn’t a great idea. And also, marriage might be a problem. And it sounds like you also may have a hard time creating friendships. You see, all our relationships in life require a beautiful dance, a give and take, a risk and reward. That’s what love is. It isn’t a guarantee based on who gave birth to you. It’s always a choice. That’s why the love my adopted children give me feels like the biggest, most beautiful gift I could ever receive. Because they chose me and they choose me every day even though they don’t have to. That’s love. And it has nothing to do with ownership.
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