On the long list of topics I dreamed of writing about, this was not one of them. I did not want to have food issues or diet problems or whatever. This has been a hard season for me as I realize how much identity I’ve had in being a low-maintenance human and how my current health situation has changed the way I see myself. I have gone from being a human garbage disposal to being that “Is there gluten/sugar/soy/dairy in that dressing?” person. This is not a change I ever saw coming in my life and it’s been frustrating.
As with many of the challenges and struggles God has allowed into my world, it has also brought a new sense of empathy with it. In retrospect, I’m a little ashamed of how blind I’ve been to the challenges of my friends who have food struggles. I have seen it as their personal problem and never stopped to consider how I could make things easier or harder for them by my choices.
The truth is that this IS my “problem.” Nobody else can make these choices for me and nobody else will suffer if I don’t stick to the eating plan that’s helping my body heal right now. But as friends of mine have stepped up to support me in this journey, I have seen what a role community plays in the success or failure of my pursuit of good health. I didn’t expect this level of support and understanding from my friends, but I can see how it has made this process much easier than it might otherwise have been.
If you’ve got a friend dealing with a really restrictive diet, I’d love to teach you what I’ve learned from my friends (who clearly are much more thoughtful than I am):
Be informed. I have friends who have asked for information about my health issue and have read up on the subject. They’ve sent me follow-up questions, prayed for me and let me know about good resources they’ve found. They’ve moved from casual observers of my struggle, to informed helpers when I need wisdom. They’ve done it all respectfully (not trying to tell me what to do or offering questionable “cures”) and out of a love for me.
Take it seriously. For years I’ve been orchestrating an annual lunch for friends of mine. This year it just couldn’t happen because of my diet issues. And nobody pushed me about that. Nobody told me to give up my restrictive diet for the day or tried to talk me out of the changes I’ve had to make. They’ve been nothing but supportive, even when it means we can’t do the fun things we used to. They get how important this is to me and how hard it is, both physically and emotionally.
Recognize the isolation of restrictive diets. My biggest struggle with my diet isn’t the limited foods I can eat right now, it’s the limited places I can go to eat with other people. Eating with friends is one of my favorite things to do in the world and right now I can pretty much only eat food I cook at home. It has been a joy to see my friends enter this isolation with me so it stops being isolating. They have actively looked for places I can eat. They have brought me food from approved restaurants and have been persnickety on my behalf—asking for things to be left off or being sure there wasn’t cross-contamination.
Figure out how to be inclusive. I haven’t asked anyone to work around my diet needs. I can bring my own food or not eat at group functions. But I have friends who have asked me ahead of time what they can make that I can eat. They have never made me feel self-conscious about my unique food situation. They’ve brought me approved snacks I couldn’t find myself at the stores I go to. They have been cheerleaders as I make these changes. It’s a special warm feeling in your heart when people drop off mason jars of bone broth on your porch or hand you kombucha as you’re leaving church. As much as I hate my diet, I’m thankful to have experienced that kind of tangible expression of love.
My hope is that this diet won’t be forever. But my gratitude for my friends will be. For them to be willing to change their own routines to accommodate my needs. . . it speaks volumes. At some point this stops being about food and starts being about love. But isn’t that always the message of food? We use it to express and receive love and comfort from our earliest days. To be on a restrictive diet can feel like love, comfort and community have been restricted from your life as well. Being a friend who is willing to go the extra mile to work with and through those restrictions is an act of love, empathy and support that nurtures the body and the soul. Your friend on a restrictive diet will be forever grateful.
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